This is it

I love my daughter. But the life he has me living is worse than what I'm about to do. Who ever has the chance to read this let my beautiful alexandra know that I low her to pieces. I'm hurt more than I ever thought anyone could hurt. I feel so alone that not even allie's sweet crinkle nose smile or giggle could fix. I feel like I'm in a dark room that has endless walls no doors or roof. Why? Why do women let men make them feel this way? My view, I have no other outlet. Parents-that's a joke, friends-none.. Part time job, no money, no where to go but back to him. So now I understand. Some women are in my position. They know it's wrong but are afraid to leave for the sale of their children. I am appalled at myself. So that's why, whether it be tonight in the car, tonight anywhere with anything or even in the future I am writing this to let you, to let everyone know what I think of my life. It's a bottomless pit that I have deserved to dig myself into. I love my daughter my mom and dad. They are the only ones constant in my life I can look to. Good bye. Take me now. 

Update on being a new mom.

Allie is 5 YES! 5 months old now! I can't believe it either. Since the move she has rolled over front to back and vice versa, sitting up on her own without a support, eating baby foods and is getting bigger everyday. The new house is great. We can now put here to bed and close the door without worrying if she's going to be too cold (its december). Being back to work is harder than I thought but we are making it work. Well we kinda have to if we want the money to support her. But we have come to terms that we definitely have an awesome child. She even goes to sleep on her own if we put her to bed all on her own without a bottle. 
I don't know how much more proud I could be of her.

  Myself on the other hand? I don't know if its self eaten issues surfacing after so many years of tackling my problems, or an onset of post pardum. But my mom and I went to the mall tonight just to do something and I had a little extra christmas doing I could do so we went and stopped at one of my new found favorite stores. Tried leggings for the first time and just as I thought they don't look half bad after months of feeling my sagging disgusting stomach and back fat along with that front pouch people get when they are really overweight to be nice. And to say the least I wasn't the skinniest girl before I got pregnant but I looked okay. Anyways, as I walked out
Of the fitting room with what I thought was a cute outfit for christmas on, my mom says-while waving her hands in the shape of a woman's silhouette-'you can see all of your.. Ya know'. Now mind you to go back a few sentences, I already knew I wasn't in my best shape. I knew I didn't look a good as most girls, but for the 2 minutes I was in that fitting room alone I had some of my pride back. After she said that I had a full bowen anxiety attack. Through the mall and everything, bawling my eyes out walking back to what I thought would end up being the car ended up being a phone call to my fiancé. Whizzy didn't help me at all. He just reassured me that i was well large and in charge if you get my drift. So coming home hearing that he doesn't care what I looked like didn't make it any better. I don't like being the way I am and there is nothing I guess that can or will change that. Wish I could but I can't. Thats that for now I guess. Ttyl

Moving with a baby

My little sweetheart is getting big niw and around new years we expect (but aren't betting on it) her to be crawling at least. Where we live now has an exposed furnace in our dining room. And around late spring time a lady moved in above us and had a leaky washer. Long story short it leaked through our ceiling and into our bathroom so now we have mold in our celling and separating wall :(. I-nor any other parent for that would want or are their child access to these living conditions. So with this move comes baseboard ventilating systems and a mold free bathroom. And its beautiful nonetheless. Now the big question, how do you move while taking care of a2 1/2 month old baby? I love her to death but worrying about feeding, changing, napping, and just watching her on top of loading a truck unloading and caring up a flight of stairs just doesn't sound plausible. Well I will keep you updated on this new found dilemma when it arises I guess. Ttfn

Life with my Allie

Being a ndw mommy to a beautiful little girl may be both very rewarding and devastatingly exhausting. My daughter is now 2 months old now and she can have crabby days and giggly cuddly days. Some days I wish I could get my couple minutes alone and the times I do get that little bit of down time I wish I could have her in my arms telling her stories and trying to teach her new things. I love seeing her react to new things we play with her. I just wish I had some 'real' help here with me. Okay well my fiancé helps financially but physically its usually all me. I love him and our daughter so much but I  wish he would just step up just a little more. He expects me to be wonder woman, and yes I understand he works 40 hours in  a week and he thinks I dont do anything all day. But being a mom is a 24/7 job.